The Six stages of Grief

According to Elisabeth Kübler-Ross and David Kessler, there are six stages of grief:

1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. Acceptance
6. Meaning

The second stage, Anger, is something that is often misunderstood. In my view, ANGER is an acronym for Am Not Good Enough Resentment as it generally arises out of situations where either ourself or people that we care about have (from our perspective) not been afforded the level of worth or respect that we/they deserve. As a consequence, we/they have become a victim and until we are able to let go of that anger and victimhood we will continue to be a victim, which is not a good place to be.

When dealing with the death of someone we love through apparent incompetence this anger is difficult to let go of. However, at some stage, let go of it we must, otherwise we carry that victimhood of ourselves and the person that we have loved with us for the rest of our lives. This is not only detrimental to our life, health and future happiness, but detracts from the memories we have of the person that we have lost as we will then always associate their loss with the negative aspect of being a victim.

The antidote to ANGER is understanding, initially recognising that it is not a problem with ourselves, or the person/people affected by this apparent disrespect, but a problem with the person applying that disrespect, and an understanding of their circumstances that gave rise to it.

Ultimately, we have to let go of that anger, and to do that we have two choices:

1. Act on that anger and challenge the person applying that perceived disrespect, to understand it and get the truth of what actually occurred.
2. Or, simply accept it. Accept that it happened and there is nothing that can be done about it and more importantly, nothing that can bring back our loved one. This requires making a conscious choice not to continue in victim mode, not to carry that anger around with us that will continue to diminish, us, our life and the life of the loved one that we have lost.

The resolution of anger is freedom where we are free to cherish and remember our loved one without any negative association and to get on with our life as the person that we have lost would have wished us to.

From my own personal experience there are 5 other key aspects to grief: Guilt, Regret, Feeling Lost, Loneliness & Gratitude.

The first of these is Guilt and, for me, guilt came in the form of failing to save the life of my wife. Had I done enough? Could I have done more? Guilt at the times I was perhaps a bit short tempered with her as I was nursing her due to exhaustion. Guilt at the feeling of relief that it is finally all over. Plus, on top of that, a touch of survivors guilt – why her and not me?

It is all irrational guilt – logically I know that there was nothing more I could have done, particularly under the circumstances under which I was caring for her (Covid lockdown). We all do what needs to be done for our loved ones to the best of our ability under the circumstances at the time. Yes, we can look back in hindsight and think “what if…?” – but that helps no one.

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• “I wish that I had told them that I loved them more often!”
• “I wish that we had done…!”
• “I wish that we could have…!”
• “I wish that I hadn’t said/done…!”

With hindsight and particularly after a traumatic event such as death our perception of reality can get distorted and we have to accept that we did our best at the time under the circumstances of that time. If we did or did not do something in the past then there was most likely a good reason for it at that time which gets lost in the new, changed perception.

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After the death of a loved one our life has changed forever and, when everything has settled down with the funeral and formalities over with, we may be left with the question: “What am I supposed to do now?”

This is when we have to start to find new meaning in our lives.

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Ultimately, after everything else has settled down and, particularly if we have lost our partner, what we are left with is loneliness together perhaps with a degree of helplessness as to what to do about it. It will take time before we are ready to find a new partner. Coming to terms with and accepting that reality is difficult enough, but then how to go about finding a new partner is a more difficult and daunting prospect. Hopefully the information provided on this site will help towards that process.

Gratitude

Although grief arises from the loss of a loved one and it may seem odd to consider gratitude in the context of grief, yet we do also grow and gain from the process and, for my part, I have found it useful to look at that growth and those gains and to be grateful for them. For me it has:

1. Amplified the intensity and depth of my emotions – both positive and negative – making the ups and downs more extreme. Great for the “ups”, not so great for the “downs”. I liken it to driving a fast, powerful car which takes a lot more concentration and focus to keep under control. It is fun to drive when we are in control and things are going right but when we lose control the consequences can be disastrous.
2. Given rise to a significantly increased depth of compassion, empathy and love. Through that I discovered the Tibetan prayer of:“Grant me enough suffering to awaken in me the deepest possible compassion and wisdom”.
3. Enabled me to recognise the importance of connection. We can survive alone, but not thrive alone. It is in sharing our life and experiences with others that gives life meaning and true enjoyment.
4. Through nursing my wife at home myself in her final months whilst under Covid lockdown, it has enabled me to fully appreciate the true meaning of intimacy and what it entails.
5. Removed my filters – I now speak my mind as it is – no matter the consequences - good or bad. I am my completely authentic self.
6. Provided a clearer understanding of what is truly important in life and with that, a deeper level of introspection and meditation.
7. Made me arrive at the decision to only spend time with those people and activities that make my heart sing. I find now that I only have room in my heart for love, compassion and empathy. I have no room or time for negativity such as anger, resentment, jealousy, judgement or intolerance.

Rod Tallowin